I'm a pretty happy person most of the time. I like to be happy, and I take pleasure in finding the joy to be had in the small things of life. I think most people who know me would agree with that assessment...
...except of course, my family, who knows me better.
A few weeks ago, God brought me to my knees in shame and anguish. I felt utterly unworthy of life as I stood aside and allowed my pride and selfishness to take control. Not only did I make the lives of those I lived with miserable, all 11 of them, but I also managed to make myself miserable. God allowed me to see myself as the miserable wretch that I was. I felt legitimate pain when I looked in the mirror each morning.
One evening, after a particularly awful day, I melted into a sobbing mess of desperation and contriteness as Mom and I had a rather unpleasant heart-to-heart (but one which I am very grateful we had!).
I remember, after saying all there was to be said, crying out, "But why does it have to be so HARD???" Mom just looked at me, and with the wisdom that only comes from a lifetime of experience, said to me, "they're growing pains. They hurt, but, if you really learn from this, they'll make you grow and mature in a way that never would have happened if you never went through it."
My heart ached within me.
I knew I had seriously messed up, and from where I sat, there was no getting out of it. I would feel the weight of my guilt pressing in on me until the day I died.
My heart voiced its frustration along with the Apostle Paul: "For I do not understand my own actions, for I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate," and again, "So I find it that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" (Romans 7:15, 21-24)
But I failed to factor in grace. God's grace.
Yes, it is a seriously challenging ordeal to have to walk barefoot over sharp rocks under the cover of darkness on the path of faith, but the thankfulness and constant state of worship are worth it at the other side.
There are still some things I have to learn and take to heart, but God is faithful.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the faith that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2)
...except of course, my family, who knows me better.
A few weeks ago, God brought me to my knees in shame and anguish. I felt utterly unworthy of life as I stood aside and allowed my pride and selfishness to take control. Not only did I make the lives of those I lived with miserable, all 11 of them, but I also managed to make myself miserable. God allowed me to see myself as the miserable wretch that I was. I felt legitimate pain when I looked in the mirror each morning.
One evening, after a particularly awful day, I melted into a sobbing mess of desperation and contriteness as Mom and I had a rather unpleasant heart-to-heart (but one which I am very grateful we had!).
I remember, after saying all there was to be said, crying out, "But why does it have to be so HARD???" Mom just looked at me, and with the wisdom that only comes from a lifetime of experience, said to me, "they're growing pains. They hurt, but, if you really learn from this, they'll make you grow and mature in a way that never would have happened if you never went through it."
My heart ached within me.
I knew I had seriously messed up, and from where I sat, there was no getting out of it. I would feel the weight of my guilt pressing in on me until the day I died.
My heart voiced its frustration along with the Apostle Paul: "For I do not understand my own actions, for I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate," and again, "So I find it that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" (Romans 7:15, 21-24)
But I failed to factor in grace. God's grace.
Yes, it is a seriously challenging ordeal to have to walk barefoot over sharp rocks under the cover of darkness on the path of faith, but the thankfulness and constant state of worship are worth it at the other side.
There are still some things I have to learn and take to heart, but God is faithful.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the faith that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2)
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