I was sitting in a hospital bed holding my four-hour-old newborn son in the calm after the storm. The room was abandoned of all life save the two of us. I held my son and took a few steadying breaths as I tried to process the events of the day. What the heck just happened?
Every woman has an idea of how their child's birth is going to go down. With a textbook pregnancy like I had had, I naturally assumed labor, while being without a doubt painful, would last several hours, then I'd push for a bit and hear the first cries of my baby. Then there would be peace and calm as Josh and I would revel in the miracle of life and bond with the newest member of our family. All pain would be over and we would be able to just be.
Reality was entirely different.
We knew something was wrong when my water broke and it had a greenish tint to it, but I was still playing the optimist while Josh worried. By the time we got to the hospital, it was a dark green. It was at this point that I, the eternal optimist, began to worry as well.
We waited for about 20 minutes in the room before Josh finally hunted down a doctor (there were lots of babies being delivered that day). When the baby's heart rate measured in the 50's, I knew for certain that the way I had mentally built up childbirth in my head was not to be. Instantly, the doctor began shouting down the hall for a labor and delivery nurse and the anesthesiologist.
Before I knew it, I was being wheeled into the operating room for an emergency c-section. Thankfully we had an arsenal of people praying. A couple of seconds after we got to the O.R., his heart rate skyrocketed back to normal. The relief in the room was palpable. I immediately requested that someone tell Josh so that he wouldn't worry any longer than necessary. Not only did they do that, but since they longer needed to put me under, they allowed him to sit with me as they performed the surgery (which helped to calm this anxious mama).
When we first heard our baby's cry, Joshua and I both joined him. The relief that our baby was ok was overwhelming. When all was said and done, we met our son 25 minutes after the doctor first saw us. It was a whirlwind process.
While I was mentally prepared for recovery from a natural birth, I felt very off kilter with no idea what to expect from c-section recovery. I will spare you the details of those first few days. All I will say is that both Josh and I were grossly unprepared for how it went down. Thankfully we had great support from family and friends, and a great resource in our sister-in-law who had a c-section with each of her 5 kids. While it wasn't fun, we felt the love. :)
Now, a little over a month later, I still have moments where I have to process through what occurred. It all happened so fast there was no time to think about it in the midst of it. In the past month I have struggled with envy as friends have had natural births and been able to enjoy smoother transitions than I was allowed. "It's not fair," I have mentally cried out. "I had to learn how to walk again and was told I had to get out of bed as soon as possible - which ended up being excruciating - to take laps and work my muscles. They get to at least spend a couple of days in bed resting and bonding with their baby!"
But then I remind myself of this truth: I may not have had the birth experience I planned, but it went precisely according to God's plan, and His plans are always perfect and for our good. He showed great mercy during the c-section. Not only did the doctor give me a horizontal cut making a future VBAC a possibility, He graciously spared my son's life just because He wanted to. I entered this life as an enemy to God, and envying anybody else's birth story makes me very ungrateful for my own. Not only did God plan my son's birth, He lovingly and carefully wrote it specifically for our family. What great love is that? Wow.
And so, I am well on my way to being more grateful for my own childbirth story. While it may have been a more painful ordeal for much longer than I was planning on, my son is alive and well and adorable, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
God is good. Amen.
