Today I picked up the phone in the hopes of hearing my little brother's voice. It rang a few times before he answered. We spent the better part of the next hour catching up on all things life.
It's amazing how quickly life can change on a person. One minute everything's exactly how you've placed it, and the next leaves everything completely rearranged even though things were perfect the way you had them. And yet, sometimes it takes a while for the new arrangement and it's functionality to sink in.
Over the summer, we said goodbye to the old way of life and welcomed the new. Luke got married. He's the first of the 11 to start a family unit of his own, and as much as I wanted to process it at the wedding or in the days following, it didn't happen.
I and several of the other older ones in the family were there for the little ones as they learned to let go of the only life they knew how to live, one where an older brother came home for holidays and summer vacation. It was hard to watch them grapple with a change that was out of their control. And yet, it was amazing to see how well they adapted shortly thereafter.
I was there as friends we grew up with dealt with their buddy being a married man. I was there to help them think through it. I was there as they recounted old memories, and I wished with all my heart I could have joined them fully.
I had wanted to cry, to miss him right away, and to wish for the days when playing cops and robbers was our highlight. But I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to tears, and as hard as I tried, the memories just wouldn't come.
This past week was the first time I felt the twisting of the heartstrings that comes with the winds of change that cannot be undone. It finally began to hit me that some of our habits as siblings will never happen again. There are chapters in our story that we won't be able to revisit.
I can't go downstairs and expect Luke to be sitting there waiting to cook up a midnight snack. I can't simply lace up my running shoes and go for one of our walks where we share our hearts. I can't tune in to one of his outlandishly dramatic and hilarious tales whenever I feel like it. Not anymore.
But I do have the memories. And I lived to remember and soak in the moments for a reason. Now that he's establishing his own family and coming into his new role as husband (to a fantastic sister-in-law, I might add), I may not be able to reenact the things we used to do together, but I can sit back and relive the memories that I have stored up all these years.
I've said it before, but I will say it again: life is bittersweet. I love that I was given 20 years to make memories with my brother. I love that while we once walked through life together as kids, we can continue to walk through life together as adults. And I love that I'm finally able to fully enjoy this new season of life.
And you know something? Life is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
