C'est La Vie

Today I picked up the phone in the hopes of hearing my little brother's voice.  It rang a few times before he answered.  We spent the better part of the next hour catching up on all things life.

It's amazing how quickly life can change on a person.  One minute everything's exactly how you've placed it, and the next leaves everything completely rearranged even though things were perfect the way you had them.  And yet, sometimes it takes a while for the new arrangement and it's functionality to sink in.

Over the summer, we said goodbye to the old way of life and welcomed the new.  Luke got married.  He's the first of the 11 to start a family unit of his own, and as much as I wanted to process it at the wedding or in the days following, it didn't happen.

I and several of the other older ones in the family were there for the little ones as they learned to let go of the only life they knew how to live, one where an older brother came home for holidays and summer vacation.  It was hard to watch them grapple with a change that was out of their control.  And yet, it was amazing to see how well they adapted shortly thereafter.

I was there as friends we grew up with dealt with their buddy being a married man.  I was there to help them think through it.  I was there as they recounted old memories, and I wished with all my heart I could have joined them fully.

I had wanted to cry, to miss him right away, and to wish for the days when playing cops and robbers was our highlight.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't bring myself to tears, and as hard as I tried, the memories just wouldn't come.

This past week was the first time I felt the twisting of the heartstrings that comes with the winds of change that cannot be undone.  It finally began to hit me that some of our habits as siblings will never happen again.  There are chapters in our story that we won't be able to revisit.

I can't go downstairs and expect Luke to be sitting there waiting to cook up a midnight snack.  I can't simply lace up my running shoes and go for one of our walks where we share our hearts.  I can't tune in to one of his outlandishly dramatic and hilarious tales whenever I feel like it.  Not anymore.

But I do have the memories.  And I lived to remember and soak in the moments for a reason.  Now that he's establishing his own family and coming into his new role as husband (to a fantastic sister-in-law, I might add), I may not be able to reenact the things we used to do together, but I can sit back and relive the memories that I have stored up all these years.

I've said it before, but I will say it again: life is bittersweet.  I love that I was given 20 years to make memories with my brother.  I love that while we once walked through life together as kids, we can continue to walk through life together as adults.  And I love that I'm finally able to fully enjoy this new season of life.

And you know something?  Life is a beautiful, beautiful thing.  

The Whole Armor of God

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. ¹¹ Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. ¹² For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. ¹⁴ Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, ¹⁵ and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; ¹⁷ and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, ¹⁸ praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, ¹⁹ and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰ for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.

Ephesians 6:10-20

This was my prayer today.

And So I Run

Working out.  It's tough.  I love it.  I hate it.  It's not a competition.  But it kinda is.  Working out is where you find that you are your own worst enemy.

This morning I woke to my brother nudging my shoulder.  "Time to go!"  Biting back a moan about how it would be so much nicer to stay in bed for another couple hours before work, I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and pulled my messy bed-head hair into a pony tail.

I am not a morning person.  Not in the slightest.  But for my brother, I'd do almost anything, including getting up before the sun to take him to the airport.

The plus to getting up early?  A quiet and still house to come home to in which to have my coffee with God.

After I got home from work, I wanted to do nothing more than either curl up with my book or simply take a nap.  However, I knew if I didn't run right then that I wouldn't get my exercise in.  Sometimes, you've just gotta force yourself to do the uncomfortable.  For me that means sometimes running a few miles in the heat of the day when I would rather be doing anything but.

Life is tough.  Suck it up.

One of the things I've found, though, is that my runs have become super important to me.  Do I enjoy them?  Not particularly.  I can't breathe, I get tired of running the same routes, my legs hurt, and my little brother is not so subtle in his "you should probably get a shower now" hints.

That being said, part of me enjoys them and they have quickly become important to me.  Running allows me to get out of the house, do something good/productive for myself, process life, and most importantly, pray.  Yes, my runs have quickly turned into my prayer time.  Why?  Because I am very clearly reminded in a very tangible way that when I am weak He is strong.  With that very much at the forefront of my mind, I find that I get a lot of ground covered both spiritually and physically.

That's part of the reason I force myself to run 5 miles regularly or try new routes and switch it up, or simply push myself harder.  It's a good reminder of the work that needs doing in my spiritual walk/run with the Lord.

And so I run.

Hosea

I've been reading through Hosea recently and I gotta say that I had to force myself to take it slow.  I finished it yesterday, but I found myself reading back through the passages that caught my attention again this morning.  There is so much to chew on that I might have to park here for a bit and just reread it.

Hosea 11

When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son.  The more they were called, the more they went away; they kept sacrificing to the Baals and burning offerings to idols.  

Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk; I took them up by their arms, but they did not know that I healed them.  I led them with cords of kindness, with the bands of love, and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws, and I bent down to them and fed them.  

They shall not return to the land of Egypt, but Assyria shall be their kind, because they have refused to return to me.  The sword shall rage against their cities, consume the bars of their gates, and devour them because of their own counsels.  My people are bent on turning away from me, and though they call out to the Most High, he shall not raise them up at all.  

How can I give you up, O Ephraim?  How can I hand you over, O Israel?  How can I make you like Admah?  How can I treat you like Zeboiim?  My heart recoils within me; my compassion grows warm and tender.  I will not execute my burning anger; I will not again destroy Ephraim; for I am God and not a man, the Holy One in your midst, and I will not come in wrath.  

They shall go after the LORD; he will roar like a lion; when he roars, his children shall come trembling from the west; they shall come trembling like birds from Egypt, and like doves from the land of Assyria, and I will return them to their homes, declares the LORD.  Ephraim has surrounded me with lies, and the house of Israel with deceit, but Judah still walks with God and is faithful to the Holy One.  

This particular passage has my head spinning.  So much of God's character is portrayed here and I don't think that I, with my finite mind, can comprehend all of it.  Yeah, I'll definitely be mulling over this one for a while.

No Guilt in Life

I definitely found this quote to be, well, healing.  Too often I have found that while I personally believe the "once saved, always saved" mantra, I rarely act upon it.  I found this to be both enlightening and freeing.

"Does the presence of sin in my life mean that I am not a Christian?  Can I be in a right relationship with God (justified and adopted) and still sin as I do?

It is at this point that I so easily revert to a wrong way of thinking.  I believe Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.  I am saved from the penalty of sin.  There is no condemnation.  But then I sin again and I begin to think: 'I must be condemned again.  I need to try a little harder.'  So I go to church, read my Bible, sing more enthusiastically. and engage in spiritual thoughts about Jesus.  Then I assume that I have slipped back into a state of 'no condemnation' again.  But tomorrow I sin again, and I slip back into a state of 'condemnation.'  The cycle repeats itself over and over.

This performance mentality is all too common.  Our status ('no condemnation'), our justification, our assurance of being 'in Christ' is utterly dependent on our continuing (good) performance.  I look to Christ for my justification, but  I look to myself for my continued acceptance. It could not be more significant therefore that Paul - on the heels of the exasperation of Romans 7:14-25 - utters the clearest word of assurance: 'There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus'  (Rom. 8:1).  The issue is not, 'Have I done enough good to outweigh my lack of performance?'  On that account, I could never reach a state of assurance.  Rather, the focus of our thinking must be, 'Am I in Christ?'

Even as mature Christians, we need to remind ourselves continually of the basis of our acceptance - it is entirely because of what Christ has done for us.  Thus, faith in Christ is not a one-time event; we must live by faith each day."

"How the Gospel Brings Us All the Way Home" by,
Derek W. H. Thomas

coming to grips with reality

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly lean on Jesus' name

On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand

You ever have those seasons where you come to terms with just how human you are?  I'm not talking about noticing you suddenly  have joints.  I'm talking about how you're suddenly aware of your own mortality.

Some of you are probably wondering why on earth I bothered making that facebook post on communion last Sunday.  Let's just say that lately, I've been thinking a lot on how mortal I am.  Life isn't that long and I'd love to be able to look back and know that I lived it to the best of my abilities with perhaps fewer mistakes than I've already made.  Since that's not going to happen, I know I have to be repentant - that is, make a 180 degree turn, never looking back - and trust that the Lord will heal what I've broken.

That brings me back to the communion subject.  Last Sunday's message put its salve right on my wounds.  As we took communion, I was struck with the thought that as we take the elements, we are in essence saying with Christ "it is finished."  You have no idea how comforting that is!

Isn't it funny how you've been doing something all your life, and you think you realize the significance only to be hit over the head with it again years later?  Wow.  I serve a great God.

I'm so thankful He doesn't just leave me to my own devices and that He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Isaiah 45:5-7

"I am the LORD, and there is no other, besides me there is no God; I equip you, though you do not know me, that people may know, from the rising of the sun and from the west, that there is none besides me;  I am the LORD, and there is no other.  I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the LORD, who does all these thing."

Freedom!

I've been home for about a month now.  At first I was lost and confused as I wondered what I was supposed to do.  I had and still have no clue as to why I was directed oh so clearly to come home.

My dad and I were driving around town the other day when he asked if I was still stressed.  You know what?  I'm really not.  I'm finally letting myself just take a break for once and enjoy the time I get to spend at home with my family.

For the first time since my senior year of high school I am not being held to another's schedule.  I do not wake up every day with a series of things I want to get done before work.  I don't have to put my book down only to continually not resume where I left off for several weeks.

For the first time in forever I get to enjoy freedom.

No school, no work... just... time.

Time for hiking on the weekends.  Time for reading all those books I've been meaning to get to over the past several years.  Time for spending with my grandparents.  Time for getting together with friends I haven't seen in ages.  Time for being active.  Time for snuggling with the baby.

Jake and I were in Hobby Lobby a few weeks ago, and I was looking longingly at all the craft supplies.  I've always wished to be crafty, but just haven't had time or money to devote to anything.  I told Jake that oh, someday when I have the time and money, I'll be back and start to create all sorts of things.  That's when I stopped and thought about it.  Wait a minute!  I DO have the time and I DO have the money!  What a realization.

I've been learning that it's okay to not always have a plan to work off of and it's okay to take a break for a bit.  Knowing that God could change up my plans on a moment's notice means that I'm going to do my best to cherish each moment as it comes... especially since I know having this amount of time on my hands will probably never visit me again.  It has been an interesting month, for sure, but I'm finally letting myself enjoy it.

And that's been an adventure all its own.  :)

{But It's Dark}

If there's anything that's extremely difficult for me to do, it's wait.
If there's anything that's been a major theme in my life, it's been waiting.
If there's anything that God may be trying to teach me, it may be how to wait.

Hate: intense or passionate dislike.

I hate waiting.

I hate waiting for grades to come back because I like to know how I did.
I hate waiting for a family member to come pick me up after work because there aren't enough cars to go around for every driver.
I hate waiting for sanctification because I'd rather just do all the hard stuff up front and be done with it!

I hate waiting.

I don't know about you, but when I find myself waiting around for something I get restless and antsy.  When I'm required to wait, I become something not unlike a pacing lion waiting for the first glimpse of an antelope to hunt down and devour.  Yet, it is through this terrible process that I must pace oh so often.

Pace: (verb)  walk at a steady and consistent speed, esp. back and forth and as an expression of one's anxiety or annoyance.

What makes me anxious?  The great unknown.  If I don't have a plan nailed down so that I can follow it down to the t, I get anxious about what's next.  What's interesting though is that once I have a plan, the thing I love to do most is be spontaneous and randomly perform a certain activity.  What I'm learning about myself, though, is that without that plan, it feels weird doing my own thing.  Bizarre, I know.

My dad said it right when he said that I'm in the shadow of His wing.  It may be dark under there, but I'm precisely where I need to be.  For me, being in the dark means not knowing what's next.  Not having a plan.  Not having the slightest clue as to where to make my next footprint.

And that's just it.  Being in the shadow of His wing means I need to stop pacing, stop being anxious... just... stop...  My job is to put my faith and trust in Him right now just as much as I did when I knew what to do.

Maybe, just maybe, learning how to trust Him when we can see what's next is supposed to train us how to trust Him when we can't.

He is good, and His love endures forever.  I will rest securely in the knowledge that He is the man with the plan and that He will continue to be faithful to guide me all the way home.

The Rest of the Story

"Where is your friend, the one that was sitting with you?  He needs to come here."

Sophie, Mica and I looked back at our friend as he made his way to the desk at the Ministry of Interior.  My heart sunk within me as he was asked to show his ID.  Something told me we weren't getting our visas approved that day.

I watched as the woman checked the computer and scribbled something on my forms.  She handed me my form back and informed us three girls that she could not issue another 3 month visa and didn't bother explaining why.  We walked out of there discussing our options.

After trying the Ministry of Interior, leaving the country and coming back, and the Ministry of Interior two more times, it was clear that I was supposed to leave the country.  But why?  Why would the government employees not even give my renewal form a second glance?

It's because my passport number is now forever linked to the ID of a "dangerous missionary."

You see, my friend and his wife, who have lived in Israel for a number of years, were marked as missionaries a while back and have had trouble gaining their residency because of it.  However, they took this matter into court, won the court case, and were supposed to rest easy as the Ministry of Interior deleted any "black mark" off their record.  When my friend's information came up on the computer, though, it was found that the Interior did NOT do as the court instructed.

And now, every time they enter in my passport number into their system, my friend's identity also shows up.  As long as I'm associated with him I can never get back into the country.  The funny thing is they have no proof whatsoever that I myself am a missionary.  I'm just linked to one.  As far as they know, all I did was tour the country for 3 months and ask for a visa renewal.

But you know what?  If I'm asked to leave a country because of a missionary status, what better reason is there to be asked to leave?

Here's the thing, though.  The Ministry of Interior is a poor representation of the Israeli population.  Every single Israeli I came into contact with outside of that office proved to be the friendliest, kindest, and most helpful individual I'd ever met.  I'm talking from the bus drivers, the people working at the grocery stores, down to my fellow believers.

The injustice of the Ministry of Interior is merely a side aspect to the society, yet one that affects many believers trying to make aliyah and live in the land.  Without having residency, many believers won't be accepted into nursing programs, or be allowed into the IDF (Israeli Defense Forces), or be able to work.  However, these believers have worked with the Interior and have done everything they know to do in order to gain their residency and are forced to wait off to the side for the government to do its part.

My part in the story was small, but it opened my eyes to the things that many people have had to deal with on a regular basis.  I myself can do very little to change the system.  The most I can do is let my story and the stories of those I know be told and hope that they open the eyes of others who might be able to work towards real change.

That is my hope and my prayer.

Be Silent

It was halfway through the questioning when I realized that things weren't going so well.  I offered up a quick prayer that God's will would be done, and braced myself for whatever was going to happen next.  Things weren't looking good.

About 2.5 weeks ago, I stood at the border control between Jordan and Israel in the hopes that my visa would be renewed for another 3 months.  My friends and I had left Israel that day to visit Petra, in the hopes that upon reentry we would be able to prolong out stay until our flight home in April.  My friends were asked just a few questions before obtaining their visas.  I, on the other hand, was questioned for some time before being told to wait off to the side as my "right" to be in the country was brought under discussion.

Finally, a lady came out and told me gruffly that I had 1 week to leave the country... or else...  She begrudgingly stamped my passport, crossed out the "3 months" and penned in "1 week" directly underneath.  At that point, all I wanted was to get as far away from her as possible and go back to the safety of my friends.

That night I couldn't shut my brain off.  I kept considering my options and reliving the past 3 months that I was able to spend in Israel.  I thought of how my plans were being cut short and how I still had no idea what I was going to do when I got home, but I also thought of everything that I had wanted to do in the country since arriving there and realized I'd done it all.  I wasn't upset, just confused as to what to do.

The next day we decided to have our Bible time on the shores of the Red Sea.  I immediately flipped to the story of Moses parting that very body of water and tried to imagine such an event happening.  It was then I got to Exodus 14:14, "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

I had only to be silent

I was truly alright at the time with whatever outcome, be it going home or staying.  Yes, I did have a few days where all I wanted to do was go home, but God always brought me back to the place where being okay with either outcome was not just an option, it was a necessity.  And so, God worked with me until I relearned that bane-of-my-existence-lesson: contentment.  The day that I woke up and was truly 100% A-OK with either outcome again was the same day that He saw fit to send me home.

But that's only one part of the story.  Why did Israel want me out of there?  You'll just have to tune in later...

A Year of Joy

Psalm 100
Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth!  Serve the LORD with gladness!  Come into his presence with singing!  Know that the LORD, he is God!  It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.  Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise!  Give thanks to him; bless his name!  For the LORD is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.

---

Consider this my year end review, but the summarized version.  Oh how much happened in 2013 that I was not expecting at the start of the year, but am eternally grateful for!  Shall I name just a few?

1.  On New Years Day, I had no idea that I would have a baby brother by the end of the year

2.  On New Years Day, I had no idea that my grandparents, who have talked about moving close to my family for the past 18 years, would actually move to Texas and within a mile from us
3.  On New Years Day, I had no idea that I'd be working for two solid weeks in Austin to try to get HB2 passed (a bill that would close down most abortion facilities in the state of Texas)

4.  On New Years Day, I had no idea that I would be going to Israel within the year and for a bit longer than just a normal 10 day tour

And that's just to name a few!  God blessed me in more ways than I could imagine throughout the year 2013.  Each of the things named above are things that I am deeply grateful for, and are also things that I had not planned on.  As I told a friend of mine, 2013 was filled with unexpected things, and because of that, I'm super excited to just go along for the ride in 2014 to see what else God has in store!

And now, may this year be filled to the brim with God's glory, and may He continue to be faithful in molding us into vessels that look more like Him at the end of it.

Happy New Year!

Soli Deo Gloria!