A Quiet Evening at Home

It's evening
The sun is setting
The temperature is cooling

Zach Boy is in the backyard playing soccer with Ethan
Grace and Luke are sitting quietly on the couches in the family room, each lost in their own little world
Dad is in his study, typing away furiously at his sermon which he must deliver tomorrow morning

The smell of leftover dinner fills all of the downstairs as it has yet to be put away
Mom is summoning some of the little ones upstairs for bedtime rituals
Helen starts in with the first of what will be many excuses as to why she should still be up

The wind is blowing the trees
Jacob is bantering with Zach Boy
The lights are starting to flip on all throughout the house

This. This is what I love.
This.  This is home.

Growth Spurt

I'm a pretty happy person most of the time.  I like to be happy, and I take pleasure in finding the joy to be had in the small things of life.  I think most people who know me would agree with that assessment...
...except of course, my family, who knows me better.

A few weeks ago, God brought me to my knees in shame and anguish.  I felt utterly unworthy of life as I stood aside and allowed my pride and selfishness to take control.  Not only did I make the lives of those I lived with miserable, all 11 of them, but I also managed to make myself miserable.  God allowed me to see myself as the miserable wretch that I was.  I felt legitimate pain when I looked in the mirror each morning.

One evening, after a particularly awful day, I melted into a sobbing mess of desperation and contriteness as Mom and I had a rather unpleasant heart-to-heart (but one which I am very grateful we had!).

I remember, after saying all there was to be said,  crying out, "But why does it have to be so HARD???"  Mom just looked at me, and with the wisdom that only comes from a lifetime of experience, said to me, "they're growing pains.  They hurt, but, if you really learn from this, they'll make you grow and mature in a way that never would have happened if you never went through it."

My heart ached within me.

I knew I had seriously messed up, and from where I sat, there was no getting out of it.  I would feel the weight of my guilt pressing in on me until the day I died.

My heart voiced its frustration along with the Apostle Paul:  "For I do not understand my own actions, for I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate,"  and again, "So I find it that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand.  For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the sin that dwells in my members.  Wretched man that I am!  Who will deliver me from this body of death?"  (Romans 7:15, 21-24)


But I failed to factor in grace.  God's grace.


Yes, it is a seriously challenging ordeal to have to walk barefoot over sharp rocks under the cover of darkness on the path of faith, but the thankfulness and constant state of worship are worth it at the other side.

There are still some things I have to learn and take to heart, but God is faithful.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the faith that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Stronger

Sunsets and Hillsides

The wind blows, rippling through my hair.  I look up and see the branches of trees, their spiny fingers holding up small, rounded leaves, making an archway above me.  Ahead of me is a beautiful sunset just beginning its graceful fall behind the hill I am walking up.  The grass is green and about as high as my knee.  There is a sprinkling of  wildflowers.  On the other side of the hillside lies a sort of valley.  In the center of this valley rests an uneven oval shaped pond with bulrushes springing up along the edges.  It is quiet and peaceful in this place.  This is where I come to be alone with God.  This is where my heart sings and where my mind is completely focused on the One who made me and this beautiful place.

This....  this is my picture of paradise

Heaven

When the stars burn down and the earth wears out
And we stand before the throne
With the witnesses who have gone before
We will rise and applaud


When the hands of time wind fully down
And the earth is rolled up like a scroll
The trumpets will call and the world will fall
To its knees as we all go home

Everybody I know who I've talked to about heaven simply laughs

They laugh as they see me start to bounce up and down

They laugh when as my voice gradually begins to escalate into a squeal

So, let 'em laugh!

What can I say?  The thought of heaven excites me!

...but it also sobers me...

What will be more wonderful, beautiful, and awesome (in every sense of the word) than finally getting to meet Jesus, my Savior, for the first time, face to face?

On the other hand, what will be more fearsome, knowing that I am only there by His grace

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face...

What could be more breath-taking than the experience of looking into my Savior's beautiful eyes, knowing that He is the one I've been serving all my life?

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known...

I honestly don't know what I'll do when I find myself in His all-consuming presence.

There will come a day, standing face to face

In a moment we will be like him

He will wipe our eyes dry, and take us up to his side

And forever we will be his

Singing blessing and honor, glory and power

Forever to our God!

Will I kneel, worshiping at His feet, gazing into His eyes, seeing His face light up as I sing His praises?  Or will I all of a sudden be very aware of just how unworthy I am to be in the same room with Him, and lay prostrate, my face planted firmly in the ground, fear rising up within me?

Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?

Will I sing "Hallelujah," will I be able to speak at all?

I can only imagine...

Yes, one day my Prince will come and rescue me from the bondage of this world.  And yes, I will have my happily ever after.  I am very excited about that day, not knowing what to expect, except for the fact that I know it will be an experience like none other.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away

When Life Just Happens

I pounded the steering wheel in frustration and anger.


I shouted at no one, ready to cry.  I couldn't remember being quite this angry in a looooong time.

Why, God?  Why?


Two of the things I loathe most in this world are disappointing people and being late.  I dislike going back on my word, I dislike not carrying out a responsibility that was expected of me, and I greatly dislike showing up at a given place 2 minutes after I'm supposed to be there.

This morning I was supposed to get re-certified to sell alcohol and tobacco for my job as a checker at the grocery store.  It's good for two years, and my two years were up last month.  Not that I minded much.  What can I say?  I much prefer the freedom of movement that the jobs of bagging, pushing carts, and running returns bring as opposed to being cooped up at a single register for 8 hours.  Oh no, I didn't mind the expiration of certification at all.

Buuut, my managers prefer having as many checkers on hand as possible, and so back to my AST I was to go.  At least, that was the plan.

Instead, I got hopelessly lost because a certain site on which one can obtain directions completely went bonkers and left me going in circles.

I may not have wanted to get re-certified, meaning I could get stuck at a check stand at the drop of a hat, but I certainly didn't want to disappoint my managers by not showing up to said class.  And so, I gave it a try, even when the clock in Big Blue read 14 after (they don't let you in a single minute after the time you're supposed to arrive).

Oh.

I. Was. Mad.

When I got home, I went on an angry run, trying to pound away my frustration one footfall after the other.  It didn't work.  I got home still blazing mad!

It just continued to eat away at me that I let my managers down and that I was so beyond late that I eventually just turned around and went home, not even showing up to say that I did indeed make an effort to get there.

Oh goodness.

Letting these types of things go is NOT a strength of mine.

The good news?  God is still in control.


Even though I let down the people I love, God is still in control.


Even though I never show up at all, God is still in control.


This lesson is a hard one for me to learn, but God is still in control.

Amen and amen.  God is good.  ALL the time.